Featured

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

My 3 little ducks are my children Shayne, Zachary and Geogia.  Divorce hit me hard but not as hard as a man I had known for 20 years a man I would later find out had other women throughout our whole marriage, a man who said he never wanted children a man who would always say u wanted them u deal with them.  Often referring to my oldest child as idiot or stupid. This man was also motivated by boys toys and money his child support bill was alot he would then do the unthinkable my children brainwashed, they walked out my door one day telling me they loved me to telling me they never wanted to see me again. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday my daughter made the call.

I was in shock I remember the tears Rolling down my cheeks. This was 6 years ago it’s destroyed me in every way.  It’s the first time I had heard the word narcissist, it was then I knew I had been living with one for almost 20 years, the dictionary definition described my ex husband perfectly and I never knew.

He has gone on to remarry have another child.  I went on a road of self destruction the pain was just intolerable, I would of preferred a diagnosis of cancer at least there is medication for the pain. 

ITS EVERYWHERE I GO

I'm 47 but memories of my dad always seem to take me back to when I was 5..

Fathers Day with the advertising, shop displays it overwhelms me with sadness.

Even as a grown up I would always get dad the cutest cards you know the ones "I LOVE MY DADDY THIS MUCH"

Dad I love you and not a minute goes by that I don't miss you

DESCRIPTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT MUM by Zac Williams grade 1 2003..In his own words.

I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.

My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.

MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC

OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY

THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS

EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER

I need some advice

So I had a visit to my psychiatrist yesterday, I had not seen her since the aggravated burglary and theft of my car. The whole ordeal had triggered my PTSD and the very surreal dreams I've had in the past of my middle child Zachary, and nightmares of one of my children Dying and me finding out like months later.

She said that this trauma will haunt me forever and take away any hope of recovery, she said I would still be sitting in her office in 10 years, I had to try to reconnect with them.

Some 7 years on I have absolutely no empowerment over this, I'm still emotionally wrecked and I'm scared of being rejected by them again, I don't think I could handle it, in fact I honestly believe it would put me in my grave.

So she suggested mediator firstly making contact with my eldest son Shayne who is 25 this year.

Has anyone tried this and does anyone reading have any thoughts?

It is a lonely road when you walk alone -Broken Dreams

Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.

Today, tomorrow, yesterday it won’t ever matter!!

6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years.  My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.  

So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone.  I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time.  You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do.  I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do.  I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.

So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.

So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday.  It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.