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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

My 3 little ducks are my children Shayne, Zachary and Geogia.  Divorce hit me hard but not as hard as a man I had known for 20 years a man I would later find out had other women throughout our whole marriage, a man who said he never wanted children a man who would always say u wanted them u deal with them.  Often referring to my oldest child as idiot or stupid. This man was also motivated by boys toys and money his child support bill was alot he would then do the unthinkable my children brainwashed, they walked out my door one day telling me they loved me to telling me they never wanted to see me again. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday my daughter made the call.

I was in shock I remember the tears Rolling down my cheeks. This was 6 years ago it’s destroyed me in every way.  It’s the first time I had heard the word narcissist, it was then I knew I had been living with one for almost 20 years, the dictionary definition described my ex husband perfectly and I never knew.

He has gone on to remarry have another child.  I went on a road of self destruction the pain was just intolerable, I would of preferred a diagnosis of cancer at least there is medication for the pain. 

THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TRAUMA

Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER

Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.

My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.

This week I have started EMDR THERAPY

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”

Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.

I’m back to share my story

When laying in bed in the wea hours I see that my son is typing me a message on messenger, I almost fell out of bed. What I would read would have me almost hysterical, crying so intensely, shaking the message would tell me that we cut you out of our lives because you were sick, that would be mentally sick, fucking oath my husband of 18 yrs tells me he can’t Live with me anymore which was code for sorry I’ve been fucking someone else for the last five years I’m moving on, I’ll backtrack 10 years and can say honestly this fucking had been going on for even longer than that. My kids at the time were 16, 13,11, what knowledge with they have on a person having a breakdown, absolutely zero and give and I was the only parent for them ever, I can hear my ex husband say ” your mothers crazy” Oh one day I’ll show the bastard crazy don’t you worry about that it’s a promise to myself.

He then went on to say how amazing the stepmother is how much is like his father and that I would hate that you will know I don’t, he has now joined the ROYAL AUSTRALIAN NAVY He’s a man but They still hate me because I fell apart.

Children don’t do this on their own accord, Dean Anthony Williams and Sharon Williams of kellyville NSW you should be disgusted…. And me I’ll survive what choice do I have those that know me know I’m no quitter and I not only want to see karma wipe the smug look from its face as per recent photo, and or the day one may need bone marrow or a kidney…..

Goodbye to my 3 little ducks

8 years I’ve held on I can’t hold on anymore . I will never understand why. I will never understand why they hate me so much . Messages from my son were heartbreaking, cruel, and one side of the story they have been molded into hatred. I don’t know what’s left for me now or where I go to now but to my 3 beautiful children I say goodbye mummy will leave you alone and I wish you all the best in life. To my ex husband who lives the perfect life erasing me from my children I thank you for destroying me I would never of done this to you. After 18 years of marriage you left me with a death sentence.

I LOVED THEM THEN, I LOVE THEM NOW, I SHALL LOVE THEM FOR ALL ETERNITY