THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TRAUMA

Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER

Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.

My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.

This week I have started EMDR THERAPY

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”

Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.

Author: my3littleducksnevercameback

A mum destroyed, I can't find a happy place in my heart or mind it never gets easier.. 6 years on and the pain I just can't take anymore.

3 thoughts on “THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TRAUMA”

  1. My therapist also recommonded me EMDR, but I didn’t know that all individual traumas are addressed. I hope it has helped you? Everytime I see those pictures in my head again, I relive those awfull moments the pain and despair in the eyes of my three boys, their cry: Daddy No when I was forced to leave our house, the house I build with these bloody hands for my children and wife. I managed to save the house in which they where born and after several years redecorated their bedrooms and installed new beds because for usre they would not fit in their old beds anymore. At night I sit on each bed carressing each blanket and pretending one of my sons is laying there by talking to him. New bicycle is the barn, untouched empty cabinets because their old clothes would not fit anymore, I kept some small shoes though and slippers. Each morning and each evening sitting alone on our old couch I pray and ask the good Lord to bless me and my children, I call out their names I was so proud to be able to provide and I try to remember their voices but I can’t, I try to remember their hugs and how they smelled but I can’t. Yesterday evening I drove out hoping to meet a friend from Twitter and half way I drove by a military complex which was all too familiar to me. I wished I would have stayed in there having true companions instead of being isolated as a result of wrong doings from my ex. I drove by the building where my Dad received his third sergeant stripe when I was about 14 years old but I returned home in vein, where I used to be welcomed by cheerfull children when I called them outside by my cellphone and telling them ‘The eagle has landed”. So many beautiful memories that are thormenting my head every day….

    Regards,

    ER

    Like

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