Moving On!!!

It’s not about leaving anyone behind, it’s not about trying to erase your own memories, memories are what I look forward to everyday and right now it’s all I have. Moving on is about forgiveness, it’s about letting go of the hate, the blame , the he said she said. You must find your own happy place. And I know the sad stuff of missing your kids isn’t going to go away for over 2190 days I’ve cried in every one of them. And I know I’ll never forget one of those days. But I also know nothing can change this. I’ve let go of the hate quite some time ago, it’s a tiresome lonely bitter feeling that will suck the life out of you. I reached for positives, one of them is I’m GRATEFUL that his new wife has been good to my kids it was a lot to take on but she

could of been the step mother that was unkind, hateful and spitful. I’m PROUD that I raised jointly 3 amazing good kids.

To Dean and Sharon, what amazing kids we have. And your little bloke I think he looks like Zac. Emotions, anger, hate, jealousy, bitterness, fear, the list could go on whether you believe me or not 2 years ago I sat on my mums porch and told her I don’t hate him mum. I now know mental illness it’s thrown everything at me and for the first year or so of seeking help floundering in the public system, I applied for and was granted a non liability white card for my mental health treatment private doctors, private hospitals, I can hear Dean say she was only in for 5 minutes he often made this crack, well luckily legislation states you only need serve 1 day. I’m not saying I’m cured I will always have this but treated and stable I can rebuild your life, I’m just hoping I can somehow let you see this so the kids don’t have any reason to be afraid of me, I love them I’d never hurt them, I never did the only person I’ve hurt is myself and yes I agree it has repercussed in to them.

I can’t change the past but I can change the future. Getting to see and hold my beautiful neice India the 4th most recent memorable moment, she’s so cute and reminds me so much of Georgia the other 3 moments are yet to happen I’ll wait as long as it takes, but I know I can’t do it without the two of you.

Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.

ITS EVERYWHERE I GO

I'm 47 but memories of my dad always seem to take me back to when I was 5..

Fathers Day with the advertising, shop displays it overwhelms me with sadness.

Even as a grown up I would always get dad the cutest cards you know the ones "I LOVE MY DADDY THIS MUCH"

Dad I love you and not a minute goes by that I don't miss you

DESCRIPTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT MUM by Zac Williams grade 1 2003..In his own words.

I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.

My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.

MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC

OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY

THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS

EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER

I need some advice

So I had a visit to my psychiatrist yesterday, I had not seen her since the aggravated burglary and theft of my car. The whole ordeal had triggered my PTSD and the very surreal dreams I've had in the past of my middle child Zachary, and nightmares of one of my children Dying and me finding out like months later.

She said that this trauma will haunt me forever and take away any hope of recovery, she said I would still be sitting in her office in 10 years, I had to try to reconnect with them.

Some 7 years on I have absolutely no empowerment over this, I'm still emotionally wrecked and I'm scared of being rejected by them again, I don't think I could handle it, in fact I honestly believe it would put me in my grave.

So she suggested mediator firstly making contact with my eldest son Shayne who is 25 this year.

Has anyone tried this and does anyone reading have any thoughts?