IM SURE IM CURSED, LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

3 years ago I met a man he came across as your typical egotistical Neanderthal, a grumpy bastard for use of a better word. He saved my life I was so far down rock bottom with drugs I didn’t even recognize myself. But this man without knowing me knew I was worth saving when nobody else gave a shit.

He too was hit rock bottom with the love of his life dying of cancer you can See it in his eyes. And over the past three years We have become really good friends so much so I don’t know what I would do without him.

Even after a 17 year marriage I don’t know what the word love is i’ve never felt it I’ve never had it just way that roll dice rolls I guess. There’s lots I don’t know about this man but he knows everything about me I guess he’s guarded. I’m not one for talking about my feelings afraid of rejection maybe here I am sitting here and I blurted out I’m falling in love with you as you can imagine it went real quiet I don’t give much care if I got a negative response because it’s exactly how I felt.

Prior to this and up to now had been a little quiet I just thought he had a lot of work on trying not to annoy him too often but then I get that you better sit down text, And he tells me that he has bone cancer the possibility of anything happening between us is not up for discussion so many maters in this world. I cried constable what do you say to a person that tells you this, he continued to say I deserve to be happy and with the cancer I wouldn’t be happy you know even when a text comes in who might be my ring just put that small my face you know none of this is fair. What do I know about love absolutely nothing, what do I know about friendship, That it’s damn hard to find. None of this is about me but God I’m hurting because I’m afraid i’ll never get to see him again because he care so much about my broken heart, Fuck it he could be for another 7 to 10 years nobody knows I could get hit by bus tomorrow please stop pushing me away.

It’s my Christmas and I will cry if I want to

With 2 days to go I thought I would write whilst I’m not in an overwhelming emotional state.

I always find myself asking the question how can anyone be so cruel, so cruel infact knowing full well that it would destroy me, you, us?

I don’t know why ask him to his face he could never say I wasn’t a good Mum, my kids were my everything and still are.

Oh through this year I’ve sent them presents with no response not even a thank you this is not the way I bought my kids that were never brought up to be rude, disrespectful but remember that with my kids he would often say I never wanted them. Never ever was I out fucking other men. Whilst he my ex I’m sure could do a list that wouldnt be short.

What in God’s name did he brainwash them with, I’ll probably never know because it would show the lies, the lies that made his life more comfortable knowing I was gone,destroyed.

Everyone makes mistakes In life nobody’s perfect not even him or that he will have you think you goes close, The things I don’t have a part from my kids, I do not have a criminal record, I’m not a child molester, I’m not a murderer, I’m not a rapist, SO FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I’ve had my vent, Yeah wow Christmas I didn’t send them anything for Christmas because I believe that should be on the naughty list for the rude and disrespectful behavior.

And me my doctor gave me a few extra Valium but I have to wake up at some point so I have with the help of veterans counseling service emergency plan distraction go to the hospital if I need to, watch drop dead Fred maybe I can have my imaginary friend but most importantly stay alive for those who are reading this If you just believe that 2018 can’t be any worse than 2017 and promise me that you too will stay alive it’s so hard I know but together I know we can make it into thousand and 18 I’m going to get my soul back, my heart however lies in the hands of my three children and only they can give it back to me.

And just quickly are there any lawyers in Australia that would represent a case of PTSD inflicted by a narcissistic ex-husband if he had of beat me up he probably would of gone to jail,instead he inflicted the worst kind of trauma a parent can go through and if there are any lawyers out there I’ll bide my time till there I have all the medical facts and that all point to him, I often read mental abuse is treated the same as physical yet where is the help I need To set a precedence I our courts.

WHAT THE NUMBER 7 MEANS TO ME & WHY IT WILL SYMBOLIZE GOODBYE

My first born was on the 7th; I was born on the 17th; Their dad the 14th; my 2nd son the 21st, Their granddad the 17th; my daughter the 27th. I am also in my 47th year.

I’m moving forward and thinking of myself, how I feel, how I’m feeling. The loss of my 3 bestest friends and with that no pill to take way the pain. I live in a traumatic isolated world where my delusions are of past happiness spent with these 3 little friends. I publish this some 70 days in advance not to dwell on it or for my family what’s left of it to dwell on it but to draw from it 27 years of profound happiness being the Mum of these 3 little friends gave to me.

I wasn’t ignoring you I just couldn’t hear u

From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.

Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.

Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.

You know who u are👀

My Baby Girl turns 18 today

That’s 7 birthdays I’ve missed, today was a struggle I really hope she likes her present.

I won’t say after 7 years it gets any easier, but today was different I think my sadness evolved into

Acceptance. The anger is gone, I still feel sad, but by accepting this as the way my life was meant to be,

The everything happens for a reason, rather than sit alone giving PARENTAL ALIENATION control over

My life today I promised myself I would start to live again.

To my children I love the 3 of you and always will you know where to find me if u need to.

Moving On!!!

It’s not about leaving anyone behind, it’s not about trying to erase your own memories, memories are what I look forward to everyday and right now it’s all I have. Moving on is about forgiveness, it’s about letting go of the hate, the blame , the he said she said. You must find your own happy place. And I know the sad stuff of missing your kids isn’t going to go away for over 2190 days I’ve cried in every one of them. And I know I’ll never forget one of those days. But I also know nothing can change this. I’ve let go of the hate quite some time ago, it’s a tiresome lonely bitter feeling that will suck the life out of you. I reached for positives, one of them is I’m GRATEFUL that his new wife has been good to my kids it was a lot to take on but she

could of been the step mother that was unkind, hateful and spitful. I’m PROUD that I raised jointly 3 amazing good kids.

To Dean and Sharon, what amazing kids we have. And your little bloke I think he looks like Zac. Emotions, anger, hate, jealousy, bitterness, fear, the list could go on whether you believe me or not 2 years ago I sat on my mums porch and told her I don’t hate him mum. I now know mental illness it’s thrown everything at me and for the first year or so of seeking help floundering in the public system, I applied for and was granted a non liability white card for my mental health treatment private doctors, private hospitals, I can hear Dean say she was only in for 5 minutes he often made this crack, well luckily legislation states you only need serve 1 day. I’m not saying I’m cured I will always have this but treated and stable I can rebuild your life, I’m just hoping I can somehow let you see this so the kids don’t have any reason to be afraid of me, I love them I’d never hurt them, I never did the only person I’ve hurt is myself and yes I agree it has repercussed in to them.

I can’t change the past but I can change the future. Getting to see and hold my beautiful neice India the 4th most recent memorable moment, she’s so cute and reminds me so much of Georgia the other 3 moments are yet to happen I’ll wait as long as it takes, but I know I can’t do it without the two of you.