30 years ago today my decision to join the ROYAL AUSTRALIAN NAVY would define me

30 years ago my god seems like an eternity I guess it kind of is. Proudly I know it made me who I am today

And would be what I would use to get me through some of lives toughest battles.

To my fellow comrades who also joined 8/2/88 Alpha Class of GE41 thank you for your service

Proudest Mum in the world… Stars have aligned

I can say proudly that my family have 4 generations of military service including the loss of my fathers uncle as a POW in Changi. My dads service in the Vietnam War, My grand father in the Second World War. I myself served in the Royal Australian Navy.

This week my second born child ZACHARY DEAN WILLIAMS will start his Service with the Royal Australian Navy basic training facility at HMAS CERBERUS.

I can tell you my father is watching from above because I can feel it this young man and him had a bond like no other.

I wish I could tell him all of this but as an alienated parent I can only hope the word gets through. The stars you ask well coincidentally when he joins it will be 30 years to the day that his mum then 17 joined the military.


ALONE, LONELY What’s worse?

I’ve been alone since I was 21 that’s when I got married that went for 17 years,yes still alone, and the last 8 years single by choice and yes you guessed it alone. But now because of some very cruel people I live with SOCIAL ANXIETY how lucky am I. I rarely go out isolation becomes your friend. Pre marriage I was always a very extroverted woman this part of my personality only seen by family and old friends. I do often laugh at my own jokes lol.

Lonely, sometimes sure but my marriage mentally abusive, the loss of my children to PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME, I knew it would be a long period of time before I even felt my heart beating since it was ripped from my chest the pain still lingers and I guess it always will.

But I know this man and he would be the man that saw me from the inside out this man cared enough and saved my life, he knows how I feel I just blurted it out recently then I started to feel that pain again he left it a couple of weeks he preceded to tell me he has cancer. What did I do to deserve no happiness in my life, he doesn’t want me wasting my time but maybe time is all we have. I think about him often and he is in my heart like it or not so I don’t believe I’m lonely anymore.

Was I asleep NO, I simply had this ridiculous notion there was good in everyone.. NOT

Recent counseling and case management from VVCS and for which I am ever so grateful, has

Somehow taught me to think differently, to think responsibly, to remember not everyone is like me and the millions of times my kindness has been taken for weakness is no more. That part of my brain that recognizes danger all that part of my brain that makes me think before I act I finally switched on. It was me that was allowing myself to be put into situations that were dangerous not thinking of course at the time.

I already live a very isolated life but the more life skills I re-educate myself with The less fear maybe even finding my extroverted self lost in an introverted world.

How many friends on your Facebook are a real true friend.. Honestly

I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.

Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.

What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams

Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you

Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below

Me and my daughter and my 2 sons below


3 years ago I met a man he came across as your typical egotistical Neanderthal, a grumpy bastard for use of a better word. He saved my life I was so far down rock bottom with drugs I didn’t even recognize myself. But this man without knowing me knew I was worth saving when nobody else gave a shit.

He too was hit rock bottom with the love of his life dying of cancer you can See it in his eyes. And over the past three years We have become really good friends so much so I don’t know what I would do without him.

Even after a 17 year marriage I don’t know what the word love is i’ve never felt it I’ve never had it just way that roll dice rolls I guess. There’s lots I don’t know about this man but he knows everything about me I guess he’s guarded. I’m not one for talking about my feelings afraid of rejection maybe here I am sitting here and I blurted out I’m falling in love with you as you can imagine it went real quiet I don’t give much care if I got a negative response because it’s exactly how I felt.

Prior to this and up to now had been a little quiet I just thought he had a lot of work on trying not to annoy him too often but then I get that you better sit down text, And he tells me that he has bone cancer the possibility of anything happening between us is not up for discussion so many maters in this world. I cried constable what do you say to a person that tells you this, he continued to say I deserve to be happy and with the cancer I wouldn’t be happy you know even when a text comes in who might be my ring just put that small my face you know none of this is fair. What do I know about love absolutely nothing, what do I know about friendship, That it’s damn hard to find. None of this is about me but God I’m hurting because I’m afraid i’ll never get to see him again because he care so much about my broken heart, Fuck it he could be for another 7 to 10 years nobody knows I could get hit by bus tomorrow please stop pushing me away.