I know it will eventually take me

It is Killing me, slowly no amount of counselling helps.  I can’t live another 30-40 years like this, I will never see happiness in my life..My ex husband left me has a happy life and this whole time he controlled me emotionally he knew I would and couldn’t live without my babies.. 

ITS THE NEW AGE WAY OF FUCKING YOUR EX… YOU COULD SAY ITS A FINE WAY TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

On my way to hell

Smoking ICE for almost 2 years solid had me homeless on the street, hungry , cold and very scared, prior to this I lost the only man who loved me without question my dad, it wasn’t real I couldn’t get a grip on it, I was so much like my dad and I know for sure I am alive today because he wouldn’t let me give up he was there with me, I knew I was a fighter, strong in my own mind I never knew how strong till now.  I had all but destroyed my relationship with my mum I loved my mum but I would tell her it should of been her dead not my dad. I didn’t mean it but I wanted to see her hurt actually see it she doesn’t show emotion I couldn’t see her grieving. I knew if I stayed on the street much longer I would die, I rang my mum and asked her to get me out of there.  I moved to where she was living still on that road to hell.  I knew mum didn’t really want me there, she wanted to be alone she needs to grieve but she just wouldn’t let it go.  I had been off the drugs for a while after being there but of course I managed to find them and here I was back in them again but within about a month the worst would happen walking down the street psychosis would hit me I was out the front of the AOD clinic at the time and I ran in there and begged for help.. And help is what I got. Diagnosed with delusional paranoia a nicer terminology to schizophrenia. I put myself into rehab but only lasted 2 weeks and yes back on it again. eventually breaking the cycle and rebuilding it’s not easy I have diagnosed Post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, social anxiety a fear of people my life is isolated and every night before I go to sleep I pray that I dont wake up. The days are long the nights are scary I sleep with the light on I am afraid of the dark.

Everyday I ask myself what the fuck did he say to my 3 children to make them hate me so, I think back to my childhood not a thing in this world would ever make me stop loving my mum.

My journey of destruction

So I’m 40 alone my family gone there was no making sense of it.  I had no friends all the friends were his… He always thought he was better than anyone else.. Always right.  He was a drunk never physically violent but the mental abuse turned out to be worse.  And once I was aware of various women he had had on the side the lies all became apparent.  I never ever got something nice brought for me but the women whom he treated so well were not as priveledge as I was to be his cleaner, slave and the one he would have worry for nights on end when he just never came home I remember once phoning hospitals I was worried but no explanation when I asked I was nagging I now know he never wanted to be there.

So here I am, I had no idea what the outside world was like but I was so very wrong to assume everyone was just like me a good person brought up with good morals.  But I had also lived In a bubble I remember seeing homeless people for the first time it was heartbreaking and so non Australian and no body cared Governments didn’t that’s for sure. 

So I had lived a sheltered life I made some friends, I mean I met some people who would see my kindness as a weakness, and I was either Gullable or stupid or both. I had never done drugs shit I didn’t even drink it started with speed made me feel I could cope with the loss of my children I felt like I had control of myself, I gained back my self esteem and was looking good.  During this time I met a man who treated me like so nice he had two awesome kids and I just adored them I fell in love with this man for the first time I actually knew how it felt.  It lasted about 8 months but he still deeply loved his ex the mother of his children I call it right place wrong time. And yes I’m guilty of allowing his kids to fill a very empty void in my heart.

When we split I went back to the so called friends I had I now refer to them as the  bottom feeders of society, only speed seemed to go out of Vogue..  I would start to use what I call the demon drug ICE. I wanted destruction well I wouldn’t know for some time how much devastation would be caused.

The Divorce

When the divorce papers were done I wrote in detail in the space provided on the form about the kids being denied contact with me and by this stage I didn’t know the day of the week I was loosing the ability to function mentally.  The papers came back and REGISTRAR WALSH OF PARRAMATTA FAMILY COURT WRITES AND I QUOTE. “THERE ARE CIRCUMSTANCES BY REASON OF WHICH THE DIVORCE SHOULD TAKE EFFECT EVEN THOUGH THE COURT IS NOT SATISFIED THAT PROPER ARRANGEMENTS IN ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE CARE,WELFARE AND DEVELOPMENT OF THECHILD/CHILDREN.”

The court knew it was wrong they had a duty of care to my children.  They admit it will FUCK them up ie Development..And the court allows it.

The fucking court the legal system says it’s ok. 

It’s not OK … I never ever laid a hand on my kids, I was a good mum, I made baby powder bunny feet to show the Easter Bunny was really there.  

I got up at 4am when Santa had been but the bastard made 3 excited little faces go back to bed till he was ready.

My life would now be over

I was working when this happened just got a promotion.  My boss an insensitive cow just loaded me up with more n more work then one morning I’d been to my son’s school to try and talk to him… I was 20 min late I was crying quite the mess infact she went ballistic at me I picked her up by her shirt but fell short of thumping her one… I turned around and left job gone did I care no I went back to my 2 bedroom flat and didn’t come out for 7 weeks.  I had a few jobs after that one but they all had to endure seeing me attempt to destroy myself.  I can’t live without them and to this very day I still believe that.  I exist I don’t live… I live in community housing which I’m grateful for and I don’t leave to go out I’m just a person who is so dead on the inside I can’t be around people.

When is over over

We all try to stay together for the kids for the materialistic things.  I truly deeply loved my ex husband I wasn’t ready for it the I’m not in love with you anymore line.. Looking back now it’s unlikely he ever was.. falling pregnant unplanned then before u know it married, this was not the life he wanted I know that now. 

Not totally blameless as a typical wife in the suburbs who at some point in time cared nothing of her appearance, I did always work full-time still no excuse, self esteem in the toilet, overweight, externally very unattractive as the marriage continued on its decent of demise I became internally unattractive as well, rude, a bitch all the time and I never gave my husband what every husband partner needs intamacy and yes u got it sex.. men have to have i, it’s apart of who they are and I can 99% assure you of your not giving it to your man he is getting it from somewhere and how I know this will come later.  No matter how big or small you are every woman is sexy in her own way it comes from the inside not sexy lingerie and heels.  I found this way after my marriage was over but it will never benefit me as my life became numb when he took my 3 little ducks away.

In the beginning

I had a great childhood, sure mum and dad fought doesn’t everyone.. But the things I remember most clearly mum and dad both worked hard, my dad was a bit of a grumpy bugger and mum worked night shift so she was always tired.  My brother and I never went without.. My dad thou always home for dinner and we are as a family it’s a fond memory, my ex husband was rarely home for dinner and why should I question the why maybe I should of but I was always where I wanted to be at home with my kids, being the mum I always wanted to be. I put the bandaids on invisible wounds, I counted how many peas had to be eaten before leaving the table, I would read bedtime stories, I would wipe snot from their noses with my hand, I taught them to tie their shoelaces, brush their teeth, the list could just keep going, my daughter never called me mummy it was Mumma she would hold onto my trousers and have one finger up her nose as a toddler because she was very shy and only wanted me.  


Shayne, Zac and Georgia