Memories I will hold forever

When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u  coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital..  Asit would turn out they were pretty close.

The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.


My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.

The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away


5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.

My Daughters Birth on 27th October 1999

2 months before she was due I went in for an ultrasound, something was wrong I could tell just by looking at the persons face doing the ultrasound, two more people entered the room there was silence.  I was then told that my baby had to be delivered urgently or They may loose the baby or worse both of us.  They explained that the placenta had leaked outside of the womb via scar tissue from 2 previous caesarean births, and it was invading my organs bladder, kidneys, liver.

The medical terminology is PLACENTA ECRETA rarely seen in Modern countries, more cases reported in 3rd world.

We had just moved to Melbourne and I was at Monash Hospital, word had got out about my case and We are both alive today because the best surgeons, Professors put there hand up to deliver my baby.  Surgery went for about 8 hours, I was under general anesthesia the actual delivery of my beautiful baby girl took around 45 minutes, but I had complications,  I bled out and Doctors told my dad I was a fighter cause we nearly lost her.  I had to have a hysterectomy, stints inserted, 3 blood transfusions.  And as in intensive care for some time.  She was little, and she always called me Mumma.  

11 years later the narcissistic bastard rips her from me and I wish I had of died that day, just like I wish everyday since she’s been gone.

My life destroyed by domestic mental abuse “The alienation of my children

When it happens your numb, confused, in a state of panic.  And for me I literally fell to pieces, like the song by Robbie Williams “COME UNDONE”

I didn’t know how to contact them, find them and with no court orders the law wasn’t on my side.

The phone call came from my daughter then aged 11. “Don’t pick us up from school tomorrow, we don’t want you Picking us up again we don’t want to see you anymore” The line went dead.  Mobile phone numbers were changed.  

I spiralled down a road of self destruction and can honestly say that I wanted to die.  My family were of no support, my dad had just passed away, more grief I had to deal with, my dad was my rock and we were very close needless to say I then completely broke down.  

I never suffered from mental illness I was always employed at the time I was a purchasing manager, now I suffer diagnosed Complex PTSD & Borderline Schizophrenia.  The Alienator inflicted this on me, and I’m told I cannot make him accountable, no recourse, I now live by myself and my cat, social anxiety also lives here sadly I have gone from a family with my 3 children to having a very lonely existence.  Now if he had of kicked the crap out of me, stabbed me or the likes the law would of protected me.  This epidemic is out of control and the courts, the legal system is failing us.  I want to know why I can’t make him be accountable for mentally ruining me?

Buying Love

When the kids were erased out of my life, I thought awesome presents would bring them back.. But it seemed their manners the way I raised the had also been erased, not so much as a thank you nothing.. So from that point on I became a wannabe crafty woman, I made them scrapbooks,  Coloured metal plates designed with puffy paint and glitter, of course it made no difference.

This week however I sent the 3 of them a very nice watch each, I don’t have a lot of money scraped & saved you know what it’s like.  I guess for me the watches symbolised how time just flys by, I wanted them to realize that too late is just that and can’t be undone, I should rephrase I was hoping they would realize.

The inscription on the back of each one reads ” I was always there, now I’m here.

Will this have any emotional effect on them I don’t know, same questions I’m always asking, 

Picture quality not the best my apologies.

DO THEY THINK ABOUT ME?

DO THEY MISS ME?

DO THEY LOVE ME?