I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.
Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.
What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams
Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you
Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below
My first born was on the 7th; I was born on the 17th; Their dad the 14th; my 2nd son the 21st, Their granddad the 17th; my daughter the 27th. I am also in my 47th year.
I’m moving forward and thinking of myself, how I feel, how I’m feeling. The loss of my 3 bestest friends and with that no pill to take way the pain. I live in a traumatic isolated world where my delusions are of past happiness spent with these 3 little friends. I publish this some 70 days in advance not to dwell on it or for my family what’s left of it to dwell on it but to draw from it 27 years of profound happiness being the Mum of these 3 little friends gave to me.
From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER
I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.
Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.
Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.
You know who u are👀
How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.
I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.
So I'm standing in line at a discount store looking around when my eyes homed in on these cards..
I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.
My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.
MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC
OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY
THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS
EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME
REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER
So I had a visit to my psychiatrist yesterday, I had not seen her since the aggravated burglary and theft of my car. The whole ordeal had triggered my PTSD and the very surreal dreams I've had in the past of my middle child Zachary, and nightmares of one of my children Dying and me finding out like months later.
She said that this trauma will haunt me forever and take away any hope of recovery, she said I would still be sitting in her office in 10 years, I had to try to reconnect with them.
Some 7 years on I have absolutely no empowerment over this, I'm still emotionally wrecked and I'm scared of being rejected by them again, I don't think I could handle it, in fact I honestly believe it would put me in my grave.
So she suggested mediator firstly making contact with my eldest son Shayne who is 25 this year.
Has anyone tried this and does anyone reading have any thoughts?