Goodbye to my 3 little ducks

8 years I’ve held on I can’t hold on anymore . I will never understand why. I will never understand why they hate me so much . Messages from my son were heartbreaking, cruel, and one side of the story they have been molded into hatred. I don’t know what’s left for me now or where I go to now but to my 3 beautiful children I say goodbye mummy will leave you alone and I wish you all the best in life. To my ex husband who lives the perfect life erasing me from my children I thank you for destroying me I would never of done this to you. After 18 years of marriage you left me with a death sentence.

I LOVED THEM THEN, I LOVE THEM NOW, I SHALL LOVE THEM FOR ALL ETERNITY

How many friends on your Facebook are a real true friend.. Honestly

I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.

Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.

What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams

Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you

Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below

Me and my daughter and my 2 sons below

WHAT THE NUMBER 7 MEANS TO ME & WHY IT WILL SYMBOLIZE GOODBYE

My first born was on the 7th; I was born on the 17th; Their dad the 14th; my 2nd son the 21st, Their granddad the 17th; my daughter the 27th. I am also in my 47th year.

I’m moving forward and thinking of myself, how I feel, how I’m feeling. The loss of my 3 bestest friends and with that no pill to take way the pain. I live in a traumatic isolated world where my delusions are of past happiness spent with these 3 little friends. I publish this some 70 days in advance not to dwell on it or for my family what’s left of it to dwell on it but to draw from it 27 years of profound happiness being the Mum of these 3 little friends gave to me.

I wasn’t ignoring you I just couldn’t hear u

From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.

Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.

Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.

You know who u are👀

Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.

Seemed appropriate to buy them all.

So I'm standing in line at a discount store looking around when my eyes homed in on these cards..