How many friends on your Facebook are a real true friend.. Honestly

I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.

Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.

What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams

Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you

Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below

Me and my daughter and my 2 sons below

I wasn’t ignoring you I just couldn’t hear u

From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.

Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.

Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.

You know who u are👀

Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.

DESCRIPTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT MUM by Zac Williams grade 1 2003..In his own words.

I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.

My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.

MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC

OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY

THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS

EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER

Today, tomorrow, yesterday it won’t ever matter!!

6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years.  My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.  

So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone.  I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time.  You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do.  I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do.  I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.

So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.

So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday.  It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.

Support is Essential to survive the torment 

Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.

We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.

Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.

Memories I will hold forever

When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u  coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital..  Asit would turn out they were pretty close.

The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.


My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.

The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away


5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.