WHAT THE NUMBER 7 MEANS TO ME & WHY IT WILL SYMBOLIZE GOODBYE

My first born was on the 7th; I was born on the 17th; Their dad the 14th; my 2nd son the 21st, Their granddad the 17th; my daughter the 27th. I am also in my 47th year.

I’m moving forward and thinking of myself, how I feel, how I’m feeling. The loss of my 3 bestest friends and with that no pill to take way the pain. I live in a traumatic isolated world where my delusions are of past happiness spent with these 3 little friends. I publish this some 70 days in advance not to dwell on it or for my family what’s left of it to dwell on it but to draw from it 27 years of profound happiness being the Mum of these 3 little friends gave to me.

I wasn’t ignoring you I just couldn’t hear u

From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.

Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.

Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.

You know who u are👀

Moving On!!!

It’s not about leaving anyone behind, it’s not about trying to erase your own memories, memories are what I look forward to everyday and right now it’s all I have. Moving on is about forgiveness, it’s about letting go of the hate, the blame , the he said she said. You must find your own happy place. And I know the sad stuff of missing your kids isn’t going to go away for over 2190 days I’ve cried in every one of them. And I know I’ll never forget one of those days. But I also know nothing can change this. I’ve let go of the hate quite some time ago, it’s a tiresome lonely bitter feeling that will suck the life out of you. I reached for positives, one of them is I’m GRATEFUL that his new wife has been good to my kids it was a lot to take on but she

could of been the step mother that was unkind, hateful and spitful. I’m PROUD that I raised jointly 3 amazing good kids.

To Dean and Sharon, what amazing kids we have. And your little bloke I think he looks like Zac. Emotions, anger, hate, jealousy, bitterness, fear, the list could go on whether you believe me or not 2 years ago I sat on my mums porch and told her I don’t hate him mum. I now know mental illness it’s thrown everything at me and for the first year or so of seeking help floundering in the public system, I applied for and was granted a non liability white card for my mental health treatment private doctors, private hospitals, I can hear Dean say she was only in for 5 minutes he often made this crack, well luckily legislation states you only need serve 1 day. I’m not saying I’m cured I will always have this but treated and stable I can rebuild your life, I’m just hoping I can somehow let you see this so the kids don’t have any reason to be afraid of me, I love them I’d never hurt them, I never did the only person I’ve hurt is myself and yes I agree it has repercussed in to them.

I can’t change the past but I can change the future. Getting to see and hold my beautiful neice India the 4th most recent memorable moment, she’s so cute and reminds me so much of Georgia the other 3 moments are yet to happen I’ll wait as long as it takes, but I know I can’t do it without the two of you.

It is a lonely road when you walk alone -Broken Dreams

Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.

Today, tomorrow, yesterday it won’t ever matter!!

6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years.  My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.  

So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone.  I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time.  You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do.  I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do.  I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.

So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.

So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday.  It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.

Support is Essential to survive the torment 

Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.

We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.

Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.

Memories I will hold forever

When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u  coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital..  Asit would turn out they were pretty close.

The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.


My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.

The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away


5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.