It’s my Christmas and I will cry if I want to

With 2 days to go I thought I would write whilst I’m not in an overwhelming emotional state.

I always find myself asking the question how can anyone be so cruel, so cruel infact knowing full well that it would destroy me, you, us?

I don’t know why ask him to his face he could never say I wasn’t a good Mum, my kids were my everything and still are.

Oh through this year I’ve sent them presents with no response not even a thank you this is not the way I bought my kids that were never brought up to be rude, disrespectful but remember that with my kids he would often say I never wanted them. Never ever was I out fucking other men. Whilst he my ex I’m sure could do a list that wouldnt be short.

What in God’s name did he brainwash them with, I’ll probably never know because it would show the lies, the lies that made his life more comfortable knowing I was gone,destroyed.

Everyone makes mistakes In life nobody’s perfect not even him or that he will have you think you goes close, The things I don’t have a part from my kids, I do not have a criminal record, I’m not a child molester, I’m not a murderer, I’m not a rapist, SO FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I’ve had my vent, Yeah wow Christmas I didn’t send them anything for Christmas because I believe that should be on the naughty list for the rude and disrespectful behavior.

And me my doctor gave me a few extra Valium but I have to wake up at some point so I have with the help of veterans counseling service emergency plan distraction go to the hospital if I need to, watch drop dead Fred maybe I can have my imaginary friend but most importantly stay alive for those who are reading this If you just believe that 2018 can’t be any worse than 2017 and promise me that you too will stay alive it’s so hard I know but together I know we can make it into thousand and 18 I’m going to get my soul back, my heart however lies in the hands of my three children and only they can give it back to me.

And just quickly are there any lawyers in Australia that would represent a case of PTSD inflicted by a narcissistic ex-husband if he had of beat me up he probably would of gone to jail,instead he inflicted the worst kind of trauma a parent can go through and if there are any lawyers out there I’ll bide my time till there I have all the medical facts and that all point to him, I often read mental abuse is treated the same as physical yet where is the help I need To set a precedence I our courts.

It is a lonely road when you walk alone -Broken Dreams

Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.

Today, tomorrow, yesterday it won’t ever matter!!

6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years.  My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.  

So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone.  I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time.  You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do.  I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do.  I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.

So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.

So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday.  It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.

Support is Essential to survive the torment 

Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.

We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.

Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.

Buying Love

When the kids were erased out of my life, I thought awesome presents would bring them back.. But it seemed their manners the way I raised the had also been erased, not so much as a thank you nothing.. So from that point on I became a wannabe crafty woman, I made them scrapbooks,  Coloured metal plates designed with puffy paint and glitter, of course it made no difference.

This week however I sent the 3 of them a very nice watch each, I don’t have a lot of money scraped & saved you know what it’s like.  I guess for me the watches symbolised how time just flys by, I wanted them to realize that too late is just that and can’t be undone, I should rephrase I was hoping they would realize.

The inscription on the back of each one reads ” I was always there, now I’m here.

Will this have any emotional effect on them I don’t know, same questions I’m always asking, 

Picture quality not the best my apologies.

DO THEY THINK ABOUT ME?

DO THEY MISS ME?

DO THEY LOVE ME?