Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER
Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.
My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.
This week I have started EMDR THERAPY
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”
Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.
8 years I’ve held on I can’t hold on anymore . I will never understand why. I will never understand why they hate me so much . Messages from my son were heartbreaking, cruel, and one side of the story they have been molded into hatred. I don’t know what’s left for me now or where I go to now but to my 3 beautiful children I say goodbye mummy will leave you alone and I wish you all the best in life. To my ex husband who lives the perfect life erasing me from my children I thank you for destroying me I would never of done this to you. After 18 years of marriage you left me with a death sentence.
I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.
Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.
What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams
Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you
Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below
From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER
I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.
Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.
Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.
You know who u are👀
So I'm standing in line at a discount store looking around when my eyes homed in on these cards..
I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.
My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.
MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC
OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY
THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS
EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME
REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER