Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.

DESCRIPTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT MUM by Zac Williams grade 1 2003..In his own words.

I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.

My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.

MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC

OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY

THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS

EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER

It is a lonely road when you walk alone -Broken Dreams

Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.

Today, tomorrow, yesterday it won’t ever matter!!

6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years.  My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.  

So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone.  I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time.  You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do.  I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do.  I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.

So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.

So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday.  It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.