THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TRAUMA

Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER

Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.

My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.

This week I have started EMDR THERAPY

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”

Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.

I LOVED THEM THEN, I LOVE THEM NOW, I SHALL LOVE THEM FOR ALL ETERNITY

How many friends on your Facebook are a real true friend.. Honestly

I have 15, used to be lots more but then mental illness wanted to be my friend. This new friend, people don’t much like him but They don’t understand and generally don’t care he’s a very real part of who I am but wait a minute did I hear someone say crazy I’m not crazy not too often anyway. It makes me understand a lot more about disabled people down syndrome children adults cerybal palsy kids in wheel chairs, now I know how they felt ostracized isolated, then come the bullies, I was a bully at school there were 3 of us the other 2 haven’t changed a bit and me well one day I hope to see them in the gutter so I can know they rIshtar where they belong. My daughter was bullied in grade 4 it impacted her so deeply she wouldn’t do sports at school you see this bully Search my daughter doesn’t make you sick looking in the mirror on my my God a child doesn’t just develop this cruel ness it comes from the home and the mother whom I confronted in a similar manner said nothing she removed her child from the school. It took my little girl a long time to recover from that not only is she gorgeous on the outside she shines on the inside.

Coming back to mr mental illness what’s he look like etc nobody knows but those not so real true friends don’t wanna know and unfriend like potentially they are thinking Jason Friday the 13th flicks, family cousins, aunts, etc soon after hell maybe even your own mother. Then there are the ones that stay not afraid to talk about it to understand it more educated you may think maybe, if you tell me you have bone cancer as your friend I wanna know more about it so I can be their if u need me most people aren’t like that and now that mr mental illness, Mrs mental illness and their 3 kids joined my list I can tell you with no shame I have complex PTSD, Schizophrenia, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and the worst one social anxiety a fear of people generally that I don’t know, my life is isolated but everyday I open the door take a few steps out its day by day.

What works For me is routine, medication, my blog, my 15 real true friends, music, dreaming about my future having it taken away needing new dreams. 2018 is my year of being at the helm of my future and my dreams

Thank you to everyone that pops in to have a read I sincerely thank you

Me and my daughter with my 2 sons below

Me and my daughter and my 2 sons below

It’s my Christmas and I will cry if I want to

With 2 days to go I thought I would write whilst I’m not in an overwhelming emotional state.

I always find myself asking the question how can anyone be so cruel, so cruel infact knowing full well that it would destroy me, you, us?

I don’t know why ask him to his face he could never say I wasn’t a good Mum, my kids were my everything and still are.

Oh through this year I’ve sent them presents with no response not even a thank you this is not the way I bought my kids that were never brought up to be rude, disrespectful but remember that with my kids he would often say I never wanted them. Never ever was I out fucking other men. Whilst he my ex I’m sure could do a list that wouldnt be short.

What in God’s name did he brainwash them with, I’ll probably never know because it would show the lies, the lies that made his life more comfortable knowing I was gone,destroyed.

Everyone makes mistakes In life nobody’s perfect not even him or that he will have you think you goes close, The things I don’t have a part from my kids, I do not have a criminal record, I’m not a child molester, I’m not a murderer, I’m not a rapist, SO FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I’ve had my vent, Yeah wow Christmas I didn’t send them anything for Christmas because I believe that should be on the naughty list for the rude and disrespectful behavior.

And me my doctor gave me a few extra Valium but I have to wake up at some point so I have with the help of veterans counseling service emergency plan distraction go to the hospital if I need to, watch drop dead Fred maybe I can have my imaginary friend but most importantly stay alive for those who are reading this If you just believe that 2018 can’t be any worse than 2017 and promise me that you too will stay alive it’s so hard I know but together I know we can make it into thousand and 18 I’m going to get my soul back, my heart however lies in the hands of my three children and only they can give it back to me.

And just quickly are there any lawyers in Australia that would represent a case of PTSD inflicted by a narcissistic ex-husband if he had of beat me up he probably would of gone to jail,instead he inflicted the worst kind of trauma a parent can go through and if there are any lawyers out there I’ll bide my time till there I have all the medical facts and that all point to him, I often read mental abuse is treated the same as physical yet where is the help I need To set a precedence I our courts.

WHAT THE NUMBER 7 MEANS TO ME & WHY IT WILL SYMBOLIZE GOODBYE

My first born was on the 7th; I was born on the 17th; Their dad the 14th; my 2nd son the 21st, Their granddad the 17th; my daughter the 27th. I am also in my 47th year.

I’m moving forward and thinking of myself, how I feel, how I’m feeling. The loss of my 3 bestest friends and with that no pill to take way the pain. I live in a traumatic isolated world where my delusions are of past happiness spent with these 3 little friends. I publish this some 70 days in advance not to dwell on it or for my family what’s left of it to dwell on it but to draw from it 27 years of profound happiness being the Mum of these 3 little friends gave to me.

I wasn’t ignoring you I just couldn’t hear u

From the inception of my diagnosed conditions PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

I always just assumed that I was so stuck in my own head, that my brain being so overloaded with information, memories, my children, my dad, along with the feelings I have for a man I’m living miles away from, not just feelings but how he saved my life, how he just cared about me, it’s all I ever wanted because I’d never just had someone care, I just pray he can see thru the fog.

Back to my overloaded brain, I was forever saying sorry what did u say or just not hear it turns out I really couldn’t hear 45% deaf in both ears. See the audiologist again next week.

Then a scan on my back would show a ruptured disc.. Am I breaking apart? Not on your life I just need mending when the hem falls down on a skirt.

You know who u are👀

Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.