Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER
Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.
My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.
This week I have started EMDR THERAPY
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”
Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.
How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.
I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.
Used to it sure, like it no, deserve it no way, but I doubt even Humptys Kingsmen would waste their time putting me back together again.
6 years ago almost 7 I was a Mum raising 3 children, my kids were my everything, my world. We were a typical family in the north western suburbs of Sydney but add onto that my husbands extra marital affairs and there were lots of them the last one spanning over a couple of years I had no idea mind you if I knew back then what I know now anyway the marrige was a sham for almost the entire 17 years. My dear old father now deceased predicted just that.
So yesterday surrrounded by my kids chores, homework, the odd assignment they might of had for 3 or 4 weeks now due tomorrow but hey that’s what mums do, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and you can leave the table after you have eaten 10 more peas, wondering who’s turn it was to help clean up then realizing your standing in the kitchen alone. I remember growing up and it was a fight for the toilet at clean up time. You finally get to sit down with a cuppa when you hear Mum I need a orange t-shirt for school tomorrow and of course between 3 kids not one to be found a quick dash to the Kmart but hey that’s what mums do. I need 34 cupcakes for school tomorrow Mum what happened to 25 kids in a class but hey that’s what mums do. I always wanted to be a Mum one that was different to my own.
So today surrounded by nobody the silence deafening day in day out except for the noise in my head reliving what I’ve lost having been diagnosed with complex PTSD it’s the fondest of memories that keeps me sane., except in periods of being so stuck in your own head some of my thoughts I know are delusional that’s another part of my trauma delusional disorder but I will tell you I am very aware of my own delusions but it’s a course my mind travels in heightened periods of PTSD.
So tomorrow I think it’s safe to say I need to get through today first, and no matter how many tomorrows sadly I will not ever get to see yesterday when love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away I wish I could believe in yesterday. It still has me ask the same question how in modern day society can a person get away with PARENTAL ALIENATION.. my 3 beautiful babies lied to, manipulated, brainwashed and I’m left with a broken heart a broken mind a broken woman.
Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.
We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.
Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.
When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital.. Asit would turn out they were pretty close.
The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.
My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.
The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away
5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.
2 months before she was due I went in for an ultrasound, something was wrong I could tell just by looking at the persons face doing the ultrasound, two more people entered the room there was silence. I was then told that my baby had to be delivered urgently or They may loose the baby or worse both of us. They explained that the placenta had leaked outside of the womb via scar tissue from 2 previous caesarean births, and it was invading my organs bladder, kidneys, liver.
The medical terminology is PLACENTA ECRETA rarely seen in Modern countries, more cases reported in 3rd world.
We had just moved to Melbourne and I was at Monash Hospital, word had got out about my case and We are both alive today because the best surgeons, Professors put there hand up to deliver my baby. Surgery went for about 8 hours, I was under general anesthesia the actual delivery of my beautiful baby girl took around 45 minutes, but I had complications, I bled out and Doctors told my dad I was a fighter cause we nearly lost her. I had to have a hysterectomy, stints inserted, 3 blood transfusions. And as in intensive care for some time. She was little, and she always called me Mumma.
11 years later the narcissistic bastard rips her from me and I wish I had of died that day, just like I wish everyday since she’s been gone.