Happy Birthday to my middle duck Zachary

How am I supposed to live without you? I knew today was coming, I knew I would not be OK.

I’m praying that I’m just not someone you used to know.

DESCRIPTION OF MY MAGNIFICENT MUM by Zac Williams grade 1 2003..In his own words.

I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't been well, my PTSD overwhelming, with triggers giving me recurring so real dreams, or nightmares for a better word. They involve one of my children in horrific circumstances. I force myself to wake up, I get up roughly 20-30 minutes later I'm going back to sleep and it starts right where I woke up, It just won't go away, I'm sleep deprived because I refuse to see how it ends.

My magnificent mum… Zac is my middle duck, that's never coming back.

MY MUM IS BEAUTIFUL, MY MUM SPOILS ME, MUM IS FANTASTIC

OH YOU SPOIL ME EVERYDAY

THE BEST MUM IN THE WORLD

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENTS

EVERYDAY YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH FOREVER

Support is Essential to survive the tormentĀ 

Almost every second day I hear from yet another alienated parent, we feel each other’s pain as only the alienated can.

We band together worldwide yes it happens everywhere and it doesn’t discriminate, Mum or dad, makes me wonder if there are enough of us in this country for ya all to march into Parliament House in protest, you see the senators we voted for who promised to make a stand have failed, failed us and failed our children.

Below is a message I received today and right when I needed it, Dawn your timing was heaven sent.

Memories I will hold forever

When I had my second child Zachary the age gap between him and my first son Shayne was 5 years, having had 5 miscarriages in between.. Shayne asked “mummy when u  coming home Imsaid in a day or so, he replied he can’t come home with you, u can leave him here, meaning the hospital..  Asit would turn out they were pretty close.

The pic below was a fundraiser for my eldest son school, why isn’t there father in he family portrait, apparently it was too beneath him to participate.


My dad who sadly passed away just adored his grandchildren, this is with his first, how he loved all of them.

The Picture below speaks for itself… what the hell did he do to them to take this away


5 hours of sheer pain, but it was the only way I could carry them with me forever.

My Daughters Birth on 27th October 1999

2 months before she was due I went in for an ultrasound, something was wrong I could tell just by looking at the persons face doing the ultrasound, two more people entered the room there was silence.  I was then told that my baby had to be delivered urgently or They may loose the baby or worse both of us.  They explained that the placenta had leaked outside of the womb via scar tissue from 2 previous caesarean births, and it was invading my organs bladder, kidneys, liver.

The medical terminology is PLACENTA ECRETA rarely seen in Modern countries, more cases reported in 3rd world.

We had just moved to Melbourne and I was at Monash Hospital, word had got out about my case and We are both alive today because the best surgeons, Professors put there hand up to deliver my baby.  Surgery went for about 8 hours, I was under general anesthesia the actual delivery of my beautiful baby girl took around 45 minutes, but I had complications,  I bled out and Doctors told my dad I was a fighter cause we nearly lost her.  I had to have a hysterectomy, stints inserted, 3 blood transfusions.  And as in intensive care for some time.  She was little, and she always called me Mumma.  

11 years later the narcissistic bastard rips her from me and I wish I had of died that day, just like I wish everyday since she’s been gone.

My life destroyed by domestic mental abuse “The alienation of my children

When it happens your numb, confused, in a state of panic.  And for me I literally fell to pieces, like the song by Robbie Williams “COME UNDONE”

I didn’t know how to contact them, find them and with no court orders the law wasn’t on my side.

The phone call came from my daughter then aged 11. “Don’t pick us up from school tomorrow, we don’t want you Picking us up again we don’t want to see you anymore” The line went dead.  Mobile phone numbers were changed.  

I spiralled down a road of self destruction and can honestly say that I wanted to die.  My family were of no support, my dad had just passed away, more grief I had to deal with, my dad was my rock and we were very close needless to say I then completely broke down.  

I never suffered from mental illness I was always employed at the time I was a purchasing manager, now I suffer diagnosed Complex PTSD & Borderline Schizophrenia.  The Alienator inflicted this on me, and I’m told I cannot make him accountable, no recourse, I now live by myself and my cat, social anxiety also lives here sadly I have gone from a family with my 3 children to having a very lonely existence.  Now if he had of kicked the crap out of me, stabbed me or the likes the law would of protected me.  This epidemic is out of control and the courts, the legal system is failing us.  I want to know why I can’t make him be accountable for mentally ruining me?

When is over over

We all try to stay together for the kids for the materialistic things.  I truly deeply loved my ex husband I wasn’t ready for it the I’m not in love with you anymore line.. Looking back now it’s unlikely he ever was.. falling pregnant unplanned then before u know it married, this was not the life he wanted I know that now. 

Not totally blameless as a typical wife in the suburbs who at some point in time cared nothing of her appearance, I did always work full-time still no excuse, self esteem in the toilet, overweight, externally very unattractive as the marriage continued on its decent of demise I became internally unattractive as well, rude, a bitch all the time and I never gave my husband what every husband partner needs intamacy and yes u got it sex.. men have to have i, it’s apart of who they are and I can 99% assure you of your not giving it to your man he is getting it from somewhere and how I know this will come later.  No matter how big or small you are every woman is sexy in her own way it comes from the inside not sexy lingerie and heels.  I found this way after my marriage was over but it will never benefit me as my life became numb when he took my 3 little ducks away.